It dawned upon me that I cannot even begin to fathom how much, and in how many different ways, God has blessed me. How then, can I thank Him, if I don't even know all that I need to thank Him for?

My willingness: inconsistent
My determination: inconsistent
My energy: inconsistent

Your mercy: unfailing

Allah Knows

I know You know
I know You know I'm trying and that it's hard
I know You know I'm in pain and it hurts so much sometimes but I'm trying to be strong and I'm trying to be good and I'm trying not to give in
I know You know what I'm feeling and You know what's in my heart and You know every tear and every pang of pain
I know You know, and it helps to know..

Oh Allah, guide me to the Straight Path..
Make me strong
Make me pious
Make me Your faithful servant
I seek refuge in You from the evil of myself and the evil of my actions, and the evil of Shaytaan

Ameen

What to do when you do something bad?

Know that it is not the end of the world
Be grateful that you are still alive to fix your mistakes..
Put your trust in Allah SWT, know that He can help you, and all you need to do is have faith in Him

La ilaha illa Allah, wa la na'budu illa iyyaah, lahu inni'ma, wa lahu ilfadl, wa lahu itthanaa'u ilhasan 

2011 - The Middle East, Revolutions, Palestine and I

Bismillah Irrahman Irraheem

It's been a long time since I last wrote a post like this. I wonder if I still know how..
When I first started blogging, when I was about 15, I remember feeling part of the bigger world - especially because I read some political blogs about the Middle East.. It felt good.
I was different then.. I wanted to "save the world".. and then came the years of rancid, selfish apathy..  Then, almost two years ago came my own religious revolution. That did not however revive my feelings of sympathy. Something wasn't right - it was like that girl that wanted to save the world had just died, both because of years of neglect and also because of an inability to meld sympathy with my understanding of Qada' and Qadar (my fault alone)..

And then came Egypt. I was with her from the very beginning - I couldn't believe she was revolting. I couldn't believe the Arab world was shaking the stagnant waters it had been in for decades. Of course there was Tunisia before her, but Egypt was different because I was more intimate with her situation.. The abject poverty, the corruption, people living on the streets and Mubarak living in palaces.. I never imagined - no one did - that Egypt or anywhere in the arab world would revolt. You see, Arab children grow up with the constant complaints of the older generation about the situation of the Arab and Muslim world - the corruption of our leadership, the apathy of our peoples, the large-scale oppression and injustice. This was our wildest dreams coming true - the Arab and Muslim world was coming alive again - ripping off it's cloak of fear and humiliation. "We've killed the fear", the Egyptians said. And with Egypt, I came alive too. It felt so good to laugh and cry with my brothers and sisters in Egypt - constantly checking the news, whether on TV or the internet. It's amazing how modern-day technology is able to really connect you with the world.. And then finally when Hosni Mubarak "fell" - I felt it. It wasn't just a news headline like news usually is for (the old?) me.. It felt personal - It mattered to me. I actually cared. Alhamdulillah...

How good it feels to finally cry for Gaza, after all these years.. How good it feels to be depressed by the news.. Glory be to He Who gives life to the dead

To myself and other I say:
Don't live for yourself, in your small bubble.. Don't let your biggest problems be your problems.

Let's save the world? 

Phantoms

Bismillah,

Do you guys get them too?? You know, episodes of unexplainable, ridiculous, irrational fear or sadness that no amount of rationalizing can make go away, until they suddenly disappear.

What are they and what causes them?
It's so weird, like.. having a nightmare while you're awake, except you can't break free until someone wakes you up. That's actually how it happens, when I get engaged in conversation they disappear.

An Interrogation

I just came back from my Med interview..
It was really difficult. They drilled me continuously. They wouldn't let a word out of my mouth without them asking about it.. It was so hard to have every word questioned. And yet a Muslim knows that each word is to be asked about on the Day of Judgement.

I told mama.. if this is how hard it is to be interrogated by two strangers

What is it to be interrogated by the AlMighty?

What is it to be interrogated by Allah SWT - Your Creator? Your Cherisher? Your Sustainer?
What will I do when I stand before Allah with my sins laid bare and the evil of my soul not hidden by my masks? What is it to know that there is no turning back? There is no way to change my evil heart? What is it to stand before my Lord and what do I answer when He asks me - did not I show you the way? did not you know that these things were evil? Did not you care that I heard and saw all?

What will I do when I stand before Allah and I know that nothing is hidden? That my true colours are out there laid bare before the Creator of the heavens and the earth?

Food for Thought

Ever since I started getting into these atheist-theist christian-muslim debates my mind has been ticking away like a maniac - and just more so everyday. I think there just might be such a thing as too much thinking.

Anyway here's a few thoughts regarding atheism..

1. Atheists talk a lot about not needing a concept of God to explain anything because there are naturalistic explanations for everything. But just from the very start my mind completely balked at that but I can't seem to phrase what I'm trying to say very well.. I ended up liking it to how knowing how a DVD player works doesn't mean it does away with the need for a DVD-player-maker but I'm not sure if that;s a legitimate analogy or not.
The primary balkableness is that when you understand how things work in the Universe it doesn't take the wonder away from it but rather increases your wonder at how fascinating it is.. But I think my mind's been working overtime because I can't seem to explain why natural processes aren't enough..

2. What initiates conscious thought? I mean what gets the nerves firing off? How does a thought that you want to move your hands start?

3. Why/how did atoms come to be? I remember studying the fusion of atoms in stars making heavier atoms but I can't remember how atoms became atoms?

4. Why is chance enough for atheists? How do blind, unseeing chance processes account for the existence of a living breathing thinking talking hearing seeing conscious being?

5. I like what brother Gary Miller said about the Universe being the extension of God's will.. hmm..

A Concept of Particular Concern

loy⋅al⋅ty

 [loi-uhl-tee]  Show IPA

–noun, plural -ties.

1.	the state or quality of being loyal; faithfulness to commitments or obligations.

2.	faithful adherence to a sovereign, government, leader, cause, etc.

3.	an example or instance of faithfulness, adherence, or the like:a man with fierce loyalties.

Origin: 
1350–1400; ME loialte < MF. See loyal, -ty ² 

Synonyms:
2. fealty, devotion, constancy. Loyalty, allegiance, fidelity all imply a sense of duty or of devoted attachment to something or someone. Loyalty connotes sentiment and the feeling of devotion that one holds for one's country, creed, family, friends, etc.Allegiance applies particularly to a citizen's duty to his or her country, or, by extension, one's obligation to support a party, cause, leader, etc. Fidelity implies unwavering devotion and allegiance to a person, principle, etc.

Antonyms:
1, 2. faithlessness.

(www.dictionary.com)

Solace: Letter to a Muslim Student - Hassan Al-Banna

http://www.jannah.org/articles/letter.html

Freedom

I remember listening to a Sheikh once, when I was younger, talking about how one needs to extract himself from all the shackles that hold him down to the ground so that "his spirit can soar into the sky and orbit the Throne"; the shackles of attachment to this world - anything in this world besides Allah SWT.

I remember how uncomfortable I felt when I heard that at that time.. I mean.. What?! How am I supposed to not love or get attached to anyone or anything?
My mum used to get quite frustrated when she explained that a muslim should love anyone or anything for Allah SWT, and hate anyone or anything for Allah SWT. And I didn't get it then.

I think the best explanation is one I heard from (subhanAllah) the very same shaikh just a couple of months ago where "the love of Allah fills your heart so completely there is no room for anyone or anything else" and "the fear of Allah fills your heart so completely there is no room for the fear of anything or anyone else".
I think that's really what monotheism is all about.. It's when your whole life is about Allah, for Allah..

Anyway talking about it is one thing but living it is a completely different thing. But when you embark on that journey you start seeing how painful it is when anything compromises that attachment.

A shaikh was describing how any love comes with pain, except love of Allah SWT. "Is it not true that even with the most successful relationships, the greatest pain we suffer is at the hands of our loved ones?"
The only pure love can be the love of God because He is Eternal and the source of all good..

It makes so much sense! Only then can you be free. Free from need of anyone or anything but Allah SWT

A Very Serious Shock

Bismillah

This post is basically an experience of the Kuwaiti saying "kil man yara innas ib3ain 6ab3a".. which roughly translates to "everyone sees people with the eyes of their nature."
As in.. if you're evil, you think everyone else is evil - kind of thing.

I've been in New Zealand since December, and the more I get to know the people here, the more I become impressed with them and embarrassed of myself.

I can't tell you enough about how lovely the muslim community at my university is. For the first time in my life I've come across people my age that have such a sincere love for their religion. I go into the prayer room at Uni and there's almost always someone there. Girls praying, reading Qur'an, making du'aa (supplication). It's just so lovely. Girls coming in at 8 in the morning before class to read Qur'an. Girls with beautiful hijab. You know here, girls that aren't even religious pray! It's just.. amazing. MashaAllah.

Alright I have to go but I'll continue this later inshaAllah

It's All About God

You know when you're looking for something and you're so stressed out.. and then you realize it's been in your hand all along?

We're like that. Us humans. Except a lot of us, in fact according to the Qur'an, most of us die before looking down at our hands. And we die searching. Worst still, most of the time we don't even realise we're searching. We struggle against monsters and phantoms of our own creation and then we sink into sadness, depression, frustration, anger or despair. Perhaps that's a bit of a straw man.. We're not always like that. But our life as a whole is like.. Oh I get so angry. I get so angry when I see people just.. so disconnected from the truth about their lives. But of course I'm the same.. I just realized today that I'm fighting phantoms in my head so I'm not exempt. But still.. I can see it with so many people around me.. This disconnection from the Heavens..

Our whole life is a journey to God.. It's.. It's huge. You know?
We're the privileged of the privileged. We're privileged to be humans - the ones God gave intelligence and a consciousness to have the ability to actually embark on a journey towards God.. The fact that we can contemplate and understand that concept. It's for that very reason (I believe) that Allah SWT made the angels prostrate to Adam PBUH (in respect).
And then we're privileged again to be of the Prophet Muhammad PBUH's nation.

God wants us. And we're .. chasing phantoms. Fighting Lochness monsters. Worrying about insignificant details of our existence.

And it's our loss. Because God doesn't need us. But God didn't create us so that He could put us in Hell. But many choose it. It's silly to think people choose Hell but actually they do. So many people know that the route to happiness, salvation, peace, prosperity and all good is a certain way - and they're still going about with their lives .. ignoring the Pink Elephant in the room.
And still I chase phantoms. Still I worry about things that aren't even there.

It's not about them. It's about God. And the minute my life stops being a constant fight against imaginary demons.. I will truly be free. But that's for another post, inshaAllah!

Reclaiming Memories

Yekh. Self-love is one of the ugliest of sins